On loneliness.

I need people.


I hate having people around me: I can get scared: both of crowds of unknown strangers, but of also getting close to people and then losing them.


But I can’t go long on my own: I need other people to remind me of what I’m doing here.


I’ve had one of the best fortnights of my life.  It has involved having so many of my friends around me, supporting me, being part of my life, that I have just loved it.  Especially my best friend, with whom I have basically lived for a week.  He is one of the only people on this Earth who has kept me going for a long while, and to spend as much time with him as I have has been amazing: we’ve both been happier than we have for a while. 


But I also know he’s leaving.  In a few months, a year earlier than anticipated, he’s off to join the military.  He’s going to have his life, and I’m going to be stuck here without him. And I don’t want that to happen. I want us to be here forever; Pinky and the Brain, Asterix and Obelix, Laurel and Hardy.  


I selfishly want us to never grow up.  Which is ridiculous.  But I’ve been abandoned by everyone in life so far, except him, and I know that soon, that’ll be taken too.  And I don’t want that to happen.


True loneliness is being in a crowded room and not knowing anyone? No. True loneliness is being in a room crammed with your friends, whilst they all get along better with each other than they ever did with you, and knowing that they’re all about to leave you, many together, some now better friends with each other than they ever were with you, And you being left in that room to watch them live their lives through the window.


Sometimes I just want a door, so I can leave with them. 


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