Sometimes people can do the nicest things and we don’t understand why. However we try and rationalise their actions, we keep coming back to the fact that that is not the best thing to be doing with their time/money/insert whatever here. So of course, this makes you feel embarrassed, not quite knowing how to react, but knowing that you don’t want them to give it because they can’t afford to.
Is it wrong to accept that a lot? And are we indebted to those people? More than anyone else I mean. The whole rich man donating piles of gold vs poor man’s penny etc. I don’t know. I don’t really get why people do things, most of the time they seem completely illogical, and the rest of the time they seem inhumane: there rarely seems to be a middle ground of “Oh, I can do this much and be a good person without damaging myself”
But I suppose the most important part of this is family. I really don’t get family. I don’t really have one, blood wise. Nor do i have one in any conventional sense of the word. I just kind of cuckoo my way into other people’s families and then leave as quickly as i damn well can: I don’t really do well with that sort of setting. I keep getting dragged into it though because people keep being nice to me and trying to make me feel welcome. That’s really nice, but I don’t want to be with their family: I want a family of my own. Something concrete, that I can call my own and not let anybody else take away. The key point, I think, is that I want something that is mine, and I its: more than anything else; my friends are great, but they’ll always have their families closer than me, for example.
So I just sit here with my cuppa, offering people platitudes over break-ups or doing work. Because I don’t really know how to do anything else, and I don’t really know how to get what I want.